What are we fighting for?

Posted by Todd Benton on Mar 29, 2011 in Blog | 2 comments

We have joined our friends at Idearella in a blog collaboration. We all agreed to write a post called “What are we fighting for?” Here’s my contribution.

When you experience conflict, what is your characteristic response? Do you fight or flee?

As early as I can remember, I ran away from conflict in order to “keep the peace.” But did I ever really find peace in that approach? No. When I ran, I ended up feeling weak, which just made things worse. I separated from the other person and then either blustered or quietly seethed, thinking that they wouldn’t notice. But of course they did! It was painful for both of us. Eventually, through lots of inner work with the help of a great counselor and consultant, I learned that this doesn’t work. So I’ve stopped running.

But is fighting any better? In and of itself, it is not the answer any more than running is. What matters is the kind of fight we engage in. Ultimately, there are two kinds of fighting: fighting for our separateness, or fighting for connection. The one we carry out depends upon the energy and intention we bring to whatever situation we are facing in the moment.

Fighting for self-interest: for short-term, me-based goals
Our ordinary way of fighting is all ego; it’s the by-product of seeing ourselves as separate, which plays out as fighting for “my” survival or advantage or that of my family, organization, race, country or any other group with which we identify. In this version of fighting, we fight to be right, while making the “other” wrong; we fight to make ourselves feel big while attempting to make others look small or stupid; we fight to protect ourselves from things we cannot control by using manipulation, coercion, domination and control. Though we have all done this and probably still do it more often than we want to admit, it is never satisfying. It leaves us feeling small, separate and alone. It drives us to prove ourselves and the proof is never enough; it causes us to contort ourselves for others’ acceptance, admiration, or deference. And it destroys others because it drives us to put others down when we don’t feel adequate; to lash out when we feel slighted, instead of seeking to understand; to exploit those weaker than us or dependent on our love or money.

Though we can’t always stop ourselves from reacting and fighting in this way, we can make amends when we do.

And, there is an alternative.

Fighting for wholeness, for connection, for unity
The second kind of fighting starts with the recognition that we are not separate, but that all of life is interconnected. With this insight and intention, when we experience conflict we fight for wholeness, for unity, for connection, for the highest good of all, including us. This is a choice I frequently face in my family – especially with our children, with whom I am most reactive. Do I dominate them with my rules and demands, or do I teach them the power of our oneness and connection?

I have two boys, ages 7 and 4 and they frequently get “into it” with one another. By “into it” I mean fighting in the manner described above: egos flaring, yelling, whining and pushing. In those moments, I want to teach them how to fight for wholeness, for connection. And yet the only way I can do that is by doing it myself.  Here’s an example of how it can happen.

One morning recently, as I was getting up, I heard my younger son, Luke, crying. Instantly I could feel myself getting angry, thinking to myself, “What is Aiden doing to him? He is going to be in ‘big trouble!’” I walked into their bedroom, and as I did, I took a deep breath to support me in being as relaxed and neutral as possible. I heard, “Just find out what happened.” So I did. I asked what happened. Aiden said that Luke came up to his bunk and sat on his head (they have bunk beds and Aiden sleeps on top) so he started yelling at him to get off and Luke started crying. Suddenly, I was faced with a teaching moment. I had to pause to discern what was really going on, but it only took a few moments to see the whole, and to intuit what was taking place.

Here’s what came to me: I know that Luke loves Aiden, looks up to him and wants to be with him. But as a four year old, he’s still learning how to express that in a healthy, constructive way. Knowing how to ask for connection and expressing deep emotions can be awkward for a four year old. I told that to Aiden and he understood. I also proposed that together we can teach Luke how to show his love and affection in a healthy way. We can teach Luke to express his desire to connect by saying, for instance, “Aiden, can I give you a hug?” or “Aiden, can I come up into your bed and lay with you?” I also explained to Aiden that if we are mean to Luke in the process of teaching him, it will be harder for him to take in what we’re saying. I clarified this by using myself as an example. When I’m trying to teach Aiden something and I am being impatient or mean instead of being firm, it makes it very difficult for him to take in what I am saying. He agreed and could see that the same thing happens with him and Luke. He reaffirmed his commitment to be firm instead of mean in his interactions with Luke.

In my subsequent conversation with Luke, I told him I wanted to connect with him and asked him to look me in the eyes. In response, he said “I’m not in my eyes!” To which I said, “Yes you are! When we look into one another’s eyes we see into each other’s souls.” Somehow, even though he may not have fully understood the words, I felt that he got it. In the end, the love and connection that all three of us naturally feel for one another was restored, and we all learned a valuable lesson: fighting for connection works. It’s not something we can force on others, but if we acknowledge our fundamental desire to simply connect, we are starting from the right place and are helping to co-create the kind of world we want to live in.

What really excites me about this is if I can find the unity in my family, where I am the most reactive and the most challenged, I can do it anywhere: with co-workers, clients, colleagues, friends — anyone.

Now that’s something worth fighting for!

“Connection and unity are essential to us, because they are essentially who we are. And yet, we’re brought up to see ourselves as separate. We learn to compete, to compare, and to contrast. Leading lives of great separation and conflict is the cause of our deepest fear and pain, which, in turns, leads to so much of our addictive behavior.” — Beth Green, co-founder, Reality for a Change